Once upon a time there was a rather frayed stay-home-mom who had too much junk to begin with.  One day her junk drawer—which had never been made well in the first place—finally, fell apart.  The frayed mother was very upset.

“What will I do?  Where will I keep all of my junk?”  She lamented.  Finally she decided to go to a large hardware store where they advertised that one could “save BIG money”.

When she arrived, the woman who worked in the cabinet department said, “Are you sure you got it here?”

“That’s what I was told.”  Said the frayed mother as her children ran in different directions, shouting as they went.

“Let’s order this one.”  Said the hardware woman as she indicated a similar looking drawer.  And so they did.  The frayed mother assumed that the hardware woman knew what she was doing.

—–

Days passed and finally one day the frayed mom got a post card in the mail.  “Your drawer is here.”  It said.  And so she packed up her children and went to the hardware store to save BIG money.  When she arrived the cabinet woman said, “Go to receiving.”  And so the frayed mom went to receiving.

“What is your name?”  The man in receiving asked.

The frayed mom told him her name.  He pulled a piece of paper out of a file cabinet and handed it to a woman on a moving scaffold.

The woman on the moving scaffold went up and down and back and forth; but finally said, “I cannot find your drawer.”

This made the frayed mom very angry.  She gathered up her screaming children, admonishing them for running under the moving scaffold and said to the scaffold woman, “I will go run my other errands.  Please find it and take it to the service desk.  I will come back for it later.”

And so, the frayed mom left the store having not saved BIG money.  By then she was getting cranky.  She ran her other errands and called the hardware store to see if they had found her drawer.  They hadn’t.  And so the frayed mom went home and put her screaming children in bed and had a drink.

—–

The next day, the hardware store called.  They had found the drawer!  So the frayed mother and only ONE screaming child went back to the hardware store.  Her other two children were at school, kicking and punching their schoolmates. 

“Where is the truck?”  Asked the frayed mother’s ONE screaming child when they entered the store.

“I don’t know, someone else must be using it.”  The frayed mother said to her ONE screaming child who was looking around desperately for a shopping cart attached to a green play truck.

“I WANT THE TRUCK!”  Screamed the one screaming child.

“I don’t have time for this.”  Said the frayed mother.

“I WANT THE TRUCK!”  Screamed the one screaming child again.

“Then stay here and have a fit.  I have things to do.”  Said the frayed mother as she took a regular cart and walked away.  The one screaming child gave up and followed her.  In receiving, the man got the paper and the woman on the scaffold got the box and the frayed mother and her one screaming child took the drawer home.  The one screaming child fell asleep on the way home and took a nap when they arrived.  The frayed mother opened the box and took out the drawer.

“This doesn’t look right.”  She said to herself as she carried it to the hole in which the drawer was supposed to slide.  “There are no wheels.  This is the wrong drawer.”  The frayed mother was very sad.  And so, she took a nap, too.

—–

After a few days the mother again traveled to the hardware store to save BIG money.  But, by now she was hoping to save a BIG headache more than anything.

“Where is the truck?”  Asked her one screaming child when they arrived.

“I don’t know.”  Said the frayed mother.  “But they have candy.”

“I WANT THE TRUCK!”  Screamed the one screaming child.

“It’s chocolate candy.”  Said the frayed mother.

“Where?”  Said the one screaming child.

“Over there, they won’t let us get any if you aren’t quiet.”  Said the frayed mother as she walked to the cabinet department.  The hardware woman greeted her.

“This is the wrong drawer.”  Said the frayed mother.  “I need a drawer with wheels.”

“Oh, I’m sorry, we can’t get just a drawer from that company.”  Said the hardware woman.

By now the frayed mother was getting to the end of her rope, and she didn’t like this hardware tart one bit.  “What do you mean?”  Growled the frayed mother through her teeth.

“Oh, we can only order whole cabinets from them.  They come fully assembled.”  The hardware tart smiled sweetly.

“Get me their number.”  Said the frayed mother curtly.

“I want some candy!”  Said the ONE screaming child as he climbed out of the regular shopping cart and went to hide in the display freezers.

“I don’t think they take customer calls, I think it’s an ‘order only’ line.”  Said the hardware tart.  “And I think they’re closed on Fridays.”

“I don’t care.  I will call until I find someone to talk to.”  Said the frayed mother.

“You can’t find me!”  Called the one screaming child.

Finally the hardware tart produced the pamphlet with the company’s number on it.  They were, indeed, closed today, Friday.  And so the frayed mother and her one screaming child bought some chocolate candy and went home again.

—–

The weekend came and went and at last the older two screaming children went back to school where they could kick and punch their schoolmates; and the frayed mother called the junk drawer company.  She explained that since moving into the new house, the drawer had never been in very good shape but that her family had tried to keep it together with nails and glue until it finally fell apart.

“We don’t do customer direct.”  Said the junk drawer lady.

“The giant hardware store assured me that you could help me.”  The frayed mother fibbed.

“Just a moment.”  Said the junk drawer lady as she put the frayed mother on hold.

“Hello?”  Said a man, after a moment.

“Yes?”  Said the frayed woman and she repeated her story to the junk drawer supervisor.

“What is your address?”  Asked the junk drawer supervisor.  And so the frayed mother told him her address.  “I will send one out,”  said the supervisor.  And the frayed mother hung up.

—–

Days passed and finally, one day the doorbell rang.  It was UPS.  They had a package.  The frayed mother thanked the delivery man and took the package inside to open it.  When she opened it and pulled it out she was horrified to see that the new junk drawer was falling apart.  This infuriated the frayed mother and she packed up her one screaming child and set off to pick up the other two screaming children from school so they could all go to the hardware giant to save BIG money.

“I see the truck!”  Screamed the smallest screaming child as they walked into the store.

“Thank God.”  Whispered the frayed mother as she looked up slightly.

“I’m not riding in that dumb thing.”  Said another screaming child.

“Just come on.”  Said the worn out, frayed mother as she walked to the cabinet department.

“Hello.”  Said the hardware tart, as the frayed mother and her screaming children approached.

“This drawer arrived today.”  Said the frayed mother as she pulled it carefully from its box.  “It is as bad as the first one I had.  What kind of Mickey Mouse Company is this?”

“I like Mickey Mouse.”  Said one screaming child.  “And I know the song…Who’s the leader OF THE BAND THAT’S MADE FOR YOU AND ME?   “M-I-E  K-E-E; L-M-N-O-P”  MICKEY MOUSE!”

“That’s enough now.”

“DONALD DUCK”

“That’s ENOUGH now.”

“MOM, I’m singing the SONG!”

“THAT’S ENOUGH NOW!”

“Oh, dear, I see what you mean.  You’ll have to go talk to Mike.”  Said the hardware tart, pointing to a man with a slee-stack haircut.

“Did they do that on purpose?”  The frayed mother thought quietly.

“DID THEY DO WHAT ON PURPOSE?  WHO?”  Asked one screaming child.

“Nothing.”  Said the frayed mother as she approached the Slee-Stack and explained the situation while trying not to look at his hair.  The Slee-Stack typed into a computer and then announced that a new drawer would be delivered to the frayed mother’s house in a few days.  And so the mother gathered up her screaming children, ditched the truck/cart and went home; having not saved BIG money at all.

THE END

The moral of the story is “If you go to a hardware superstore to save BIG money and you buy a “Junk” drawer; you’re probably going to get what you (don’t) pay for.”

PS…the new drawer never arrived.  I had a custom drawer made.